As i lay in bed for 8 hours straight last night, turning and tossing and flapping and grunting, i kept wondering why my head doesn't listen to my tired body, and why my mind is being a real bitch.. and it's only 3 am. I was thinking of nothing in particular; no worries or fears, not even fantasies that i usually cook up to numb myself to sleep.
there was nothing. this dull emptiness and only the buzzing of my restless leg syndrome creeping up at the most unfortunate time.
So i counted sheep. i think i gave up after 300. i counted memories. i think i gave up immediately. i counted people i like and people i don’t. i counted kisses and misses, and everything in between. what the fuck? why can't i SLEEP?!
My mind was racing with anger and anxiety, and the more I chased my sleep, the further it got away.
it was about 4 47 when i gave up finally. i lay there with my eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling, completely delusional from both fatigue and mind fucking thoughts. Charlie kept trying to sleep, but his eyes followed mine and he would periodically get up to meow in sleepy desperation, while i kept desperately silent.
At times, i felt every molecule in my body, as if every cell vibrated in my body with a unique sound; and i could hear them all. My eyes were hurting me from tension, and my head was pounding with the thumps of my heart beat; loud, frequent and exhausting.
I got up and started at myself in the bathroom mirror, thinking that the image of my tired face would shock my body into REM immediately. No luck.
minutes turned into hours, my fatigue turned into acceptance, and the dark outside turned into grey light.
I am now at work wondering where my sleep went and what kind of dreams i missed...
Tuesday
Wednesday
Food for thought..
Thanks to my mom, my dull work days are brightened up with her emails of great quotes, useful articles, funny videos, and of course.. beautiful poetry, that she somehow always manages to find.
She send this one to me today, and I wanted to share it with all of you, because I think it beautifully and lyrically encompasses converstaions that I've had with many of you time and again.
Those who will not slip beneath
the still surface of the well of grief
turning downward through its black water
to the place we cannot breathe
will never know the source from which we drink,
the secret water,
cold and clear,
nor find in the darkness
glimmering of small round coins thrown away
by those who wished for something else.
- David Whyte
She send this one to me today, and I wanted to share it with all of you, because I think it beautifully and lyrically encompasses converstaions that I've had with many of you time and again.
Those who will not slip beneath
the still surface of the well of grief
turning downward through its black water
to the place we cannot breathe
will never know the source from which we drink,
the secret water,
cold and clear,
nor find in the darkness
glimmering of small round coins thrown away
by those who wished for something else.
- David Whyte
ahhh life....
Ahh life.. you are a dirty hooker, minus the good time
Ahhh life... you are like the snowflakes dancing in the air… ..cold, aimless, and totally out of season.
Ahh life… you are like an ocean wave….. you make me nauseous, but without the water.
Ahh life.. you are like the pure earthy soil underneath my feet…… full of dog shit
Ahh life.. you are like an abstract painting on the museum wall….. pointless and overrated
Ahh life.. you are like Collin Farrell, minus the sex and plus the herpres
Ahh life.. you are like marsel. (some of you will understand this, and will get mad at me for being too hard on life)
Ahhh life... you are like the snowflakes dancing in the air… ..cold, aimless, and totally out of season.
Ahh life… you are like an ocean wave….. you make me nauseous, but without the water.
Ahh life.. you are like the pure earthy soil underneath my feet…… full of dog shit
Ahh life.. you are like an abstract painting on the museum wall….. pointless and overrated
Ahh life.. you are like Collin Farrell, minus the sex and plus the herpres
Ahh life.. you are like marsel. (some of you will understand this, and will get mad at me for being too hard on life)
Thursday
Bitching is a hobbie, not a lifestyle..
what a productive week it's been!
ok, maybe not productive in conventional ways, but definitely productive if productivity is measured in alcohol consumption. mmm… Strongbow.
drinks+sushi+more drinks = self analysis= what the fuck is wrong with me?
Last week, i was engaging in my two favorite past times with V, drinking and complaining, and while going on and on about God knows what, i saw this look on his face, the look that said this is nothing new. Of course, he is too nice and courteous to ever shut me the fuck up, but his facial expression spoke louder than any words could. This is what i do. ALL. THE. TIME. As I was talking AT him about my lack of enthusiasm for life, he noted that I've said many of these things before; even when i had a different job, a different apartment, and generally a pretty different life. Of course in defense, i started blaming it all on the country, on the shitty weather, on the stupid people, and trying to convince him that if i lived in Spain ( or any other warm country), my attitude would be drastically different. But then again....would it?
AM I CHRONICALLY DISSATISFIED???!
Is this a disorder? should i be medicated? join kaballah or something?
I know that grass is always greener on the other side, but still.. i think my expectation of having the grass change colors to match my mood swings is rather too much.
So since no religious outlet will ever help me, and V only has so much patience until he runs back to Ukraine ( oh wait.. he did already.. hmmm) I think it's time for a change.
Let's not get too excited, not like i'm going to stop bitching about everything ( it would make this blog pointless) but i will try to find 5 things a day that I enjoy, starting today. Of course, i'm much more tempted to tell you about the fact that i had no sleep last night due to my obnoxious cat being in heat ( as if he's the only one who's not getting any) and how i woke up sweating with a fever and a nasty cough, or even about how miserable the subway ride was, BUT.. i wont' tell you all of that , instead i'll just try my new trend. :D
So here we go. today my top 5 are:
- it is actually 14 degrees outside! ( let's not pay attention to the fact that i'm stuck in a cubicle the whole day, and the weekend weather promises to be SHIT)
- I had a fat free vanilla latte from Starbucks today that tasted like it was sprinkled with heaven dust.
- my jeans are fitting my ass better, confirming that i did in fact lose a few pounds.
- more than one person enquired about my lack of blog entries, confirming that some people actually give a fuck about what i have to say
- and finally, the 5th good thing about today is... i've managed to come up with 4 somewhat positive features about my day. Which is about 4 more than any other day.
We may change places, we may change jobs or careers, even spouses are replaceable; but the truth is, some people just don't know how to be happy, and i don't want to be one of them.
So yes,the grass is always greener on the other side.. but one thing to remember about that is.. there are still idiots walking on it.
ok, maybe not productive in conventional ways, but definitely productive if productivity is measured in alcohol consumption. mmm… Strongbow.
drinks+sushi+more drinks = self analysis= what the fuck is wrong with me?
Last week, i was engaging in my two favorite past times with V, drinking and complaining, and while going on and on about God knows what, i saw this look on his face, the look that said this is nothing new. Of course, he is too nice and courteous to ever shut me the fuck up, but his facial expression spoke louder than any words could. This is what i do. ALL. THE. TIME. As I was talking AT him about my lack of enthusiasm for life, he noted that I've said many of these things before; even when i had a different job, a different apartment, and generally a pretty different life. Of course in defense, i started blaming it all on the country, on the shitty weather, on the stupid people, and trying to convince him that if i lived in Spain ( or any other warm country), my attitude would be drastically different. But then again....would it?
AM I CHRONICALLY DISSATISFIED???!
Is this a disorder? should i be medicated? join kaballah or something?
I know that grass is always greener on the other side, but still.. i think my expectation of having the grass change colors to match my mood swings is rather too much.
So since no religious outlet will ever help me, and V only has so much patience until he runs back to Ukraine ( oh wait.. he did already.. hmmm) I think it's time for a change.
Let's not get too excited, not like i'm going to stop bitching about everything ( it would make this blog pointless) but i will try to find 5 things a day that I enjoy, starting today. Of course, i'm much more tempted to tell you about the fact that i had no sleep last night due to my obnoxious cat being in heat ( as if he's the only one who's not getting any) and how i woke up sweating with a fever and a nasty cough, or even about how miserable the subway ride was, BUT.. i wont' tell you all of that , instead i'll just try my new trend. :D
So here we go. today my top 5 are:
- it is actually 14 degrees outside! ( let's not pay attention to the fact that i'm stuck in a cubicle the whole day, and the weekend weather promises to be SHIT)
- I had a fat free vanilla latte from Starbucks today that tasted like it was sprinkled with heaven dust.
- my jeans are fitting my ass better, confirming that i did in fact lose a few pounds.
- more than one person enquired about my lack of blog entries, confirming that some people actually give a fuck about what i have to say
- and finally, the 5th good thing about today is... i've managed to come up with 4 somewhat positive features about my day. Which is about 4 more than any other day.
We may change places, we may change jobs or careers, even spouses are replaceable; but the truth is, some people just don't know how to be happy, and i don't want to be one of them.
So yes,the grass is always greener on the other side.. but one thing to remember about that is.. there are still idiots walking on it.
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